Trying to stay positive

I'm trying to keep positive throughout this whole thing. I swear I am because aside from my bratty episodes I get every so often (or if you're Nikki, you'll say "very so often") I am usually a pretty positive person.

About three days ago, my left eye was twitching. I thought it was because I was tired. In the book What to Expect When Expecting, it says that pregnancy hormones can impair your vision. Then I thought my eye problem was because of that. Then I thought it was because the air was dry, so was my eye.

It didn't cross my mind that it was Bell's Palsy.

The next day, I cooked breakfast. There was a weird taste in my mouth. I thought it was because I put too much cooking oil while I was cooking, so I did all kinds of weird things to get my taste buds back in check such as sucking on lemons, drinking lots of lemonade, tea, chewing on gum, and other stuff. My eye was twitching, and then I started to notice my lip twitching. I thought nothing of it.

I only slept for 4 hours that night. I stayed awake for about 3 hours and noticed more lip twitching. I did some online research about lip and eye twitching and the conclusion I came up with was that it was just fatigue. When I woke up from my 3 hour nap, my vision was more jacked and I could close my left eye completely.

I went with my mom to pick up my brother. When I was putting on my chapstick in the car, I noticed that I couldn't purse my lips together. It was like my upper lip was injected with novacaine. I looked in the mirror and I tried to smile, but I couldn't.

I was able to get a doctor's appointment that day. As I said in my last post, he told me I have Bell's Palsy.

Yesterday, the condition got worse. I went from being able to move the left side of my face slightly to not being able to move the left side of my face at all.

I went to eat lunch with my mom yesterday. It was a struggle trying to keep the food in my mouth since I can't control half of my facial muscles. I could tell my mom was trying not to look at me because she felt bad. It hurts a parent to see their children suffer, no matter how old their child is. It looked like she was going to cry. I wasn't even sad at the time. I was just happy that I was eating because I was super hungry. But seeing my mom sad made me sad because now that I am on my way to motherhood, I understand that I'd rather have myself suffer first before my own child.

Anyway, so we went about the day running errands. I was suppose to go shopping later on that day to cheer myself up, but we couldn't find parking in downtown. I said, "Forget about it," and we headed our way back home.

Around 10:30, we were watching the Laker game and I felt sharp pains behind my ear and jaw. When Nikki would talk to me, it literally hurt my ear.

Food still tastes a little funny to me, but there are some foods that taste normal like cheese bread.

Nikki saw the pain that I was in, so he gave me a full body massage to relax my body. He keeps on assuring me that I'm OK and I'll get better and his motivation really helps me out whereas when I see my mom in the verge of tears, I end up feeling more sad.

My Auntie came over yestserday. She informed me that last night she was crying on her way home praying to God that I get better. That's the nature of my family to feel each other's pain. I know this isn't life threatening, but we just want the best for each other.

My aunt was worse than my mom because she actually cried right in front of me. To be honest, I don't like it when people show me that they feel sorry for me because I just end up feeling more bad about myself. Like I said earlier, it's just the nature of my family.

I went to sleep feeling relaxed and no pain thanks to Active On (apply directly where it hurts) and the massage. Thanks bub!

I woke up a few hours ago, hoping that it would be gone, but now I feel like my left facial muscles are stone hard. They say it can take up to 48 hours for Bell's Palsy to reach it's peak. I think I'm getting there.

I know that I should stay positive, especially knowing that it's only temporary and to be thankful that it's not life threatening. I just can't help it though. I want to be able to smile, laugh without feeling awkward, eat in public places without worrying about if I can keep the food in my mouth. It feels so ridiculous! Normal things we do everyday we take for granted.

I'm pretty bummed out though. All I want to do is stay indoors and watch funny movies/shows so I can forget about this whole thing. Reality is what it is, and it can be a vain place. I want to move my face normally again. I don't know how long it'll take though.

I think a trip to Disneyland would be fun right about now...