Ray Ray

OLD TERRAIN, REVISITED.

Summer 2003

It was in May. I was out late that night (again) and I decided to just stay up because I had to leave early that day to take my Grandma to Vallejo. I was at the Bonita house, everyone was sleeping. I went to the computer and I got an away message from one of my friends, Sabrina.

"Ray got shot in the head last night. He's in the hospital. He's not going to make it. Call me when you get the chance."

My heart sank. I didn't know how to react. I felt the feelings, but I didn't know what to do with them. For a while I was numb. I went about doing my things swallowed by my thoughts. Then I finally understood what was really happening. This was the day that I felt real pain.

I went to the hospital that day holding the hand of my friend on his death bed.

"Ray, I have to go now. Thank you for everything you've done for all of us. I love you," I said.

Tears were coming out of his closed eyes. I knew he could hear but he could not respond. He knew what was going on with him. I think that was the unbearable part.

---
Five years later. These past few weeks I randomly keep thinking about Ray. Probably because I never paid him a visit since then and plus it was his birthday recently. Sometimes I feel bad because for a while I seemed to have blocked out what happened.

I keep getting signs though. 1.- I turned on Jammin' Z 90 on Sunday for Sunday Night Slow Jams and they played "Gangsta Lean." Haha. Cause you know that IS a slow jam, right? Sure enough, despite Ray having that "gang banging" reputation, his other friends (us) were able to see Ray for who he really was. A true gemini indeed. 2.- I saw a chess board. Ray will school anyone in chess. 3.- When random strangers open up doors for me. Being only in 7th grade until high school, Ray already knew what it was to be a gentlemen. Whether it was opening up a door, letting me walk ahead of him, walking with me to my next class, or waiting with me for my dad to pick me up at Granger. He'd do this for anyone. 4.- Seeing his high school love, Robin, who I haven't seen since the funeral. He wanted to make many little "Ray Ray's" with her. 5.- Talking to my friends and them too telling me that they thought of Ray the other day or that they went to go visit him.

Marie told me that it's crazy how much has happened since he passed. How many of us have graduated, landed jobs, who got married, who has kids, moving on to get their master's, etc. It's a crying shame he wasn't around for it, but we know that he's with us in our hearts, prayers, and thoughts.

This morning I was waiting in the car and I was just staring at the sky wondering if I ever felt at peace with this. The answer is no. I know that it was God's will but at the same time I don't think my friend deserved to die in vain. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time and as we all know it's always up to no good in the hood. I still get angry because I don't believe that there was a single cause to this-- a mother losing her son, a girlfriend losing the love of her life, losing a brother, friends losing their homie. These things stem from the lack of values in our individualistic society. The lack of love we don't show to OUR youth. How can we change that?